Toilet Paper

Anyone who knows me, knows, that I could pass for Martha Stewart’s younger sister.  I pride myself in a clean organized home.  However, as I age, I find it more difficult to keep up with the perfection.  My experienced Mother keeps telling me, that in a few more years, I just won’t give a shit.  That may be true, but until that time comes I will continue to be the Jr. Queen of perfection.

Last month, I invited my family over for a Father’s Day barbeque and everyone had a very nice time eating and talking.  At some point during the afternoon, my Father used my pristine guest bathroom.  It was remodeled five years ago and it looks just as beautiful today as it did after construction was completed.  Anyways, my Dad walks into our family room after his bathroom retreat and say’s to me in front of everyone there “you keep a really clean home but there is one thing that you’re doing wrong.”  “Whaaaat?” I say.   My not so tidy Dad proceeds to tell me that my toilet paper is not on the holder correctly.  The words rush out of my mouth “Exactly what do you mean dear old Dad of mine?”  Well, he say’s “the roll of toilet paper needs to be facing forward so that the paper unrolls smoothly off the roll.” CRAP!  Has he been reading Better Homes & Garden magazine?  How the hell does he know this?

Who would have thought that any man would notice something this minute? My inner perfectionist is telling me that yes, he’s right.  I refuse to listen.  My home is total perfection right down to every single detail.  WTF has happened here?  I always fuss over every room before visitors enter my supreme abode.  How, could I miss this one tiny detail??

Well, my Dad’s 75th birthday is next week and I will be taking my folks out to lunch to celebrate this huge milestone.  Once we have completed a delightful lunch at his favorite restaurant, we will be going back to my palace for dessert and gifts.   I have prepared a special gift for my Dad this year.  Oh yes, my artsy crafty mind has given much thought to this unusual gift.  I have created a designer roll of toilet paper for my Dad the know-it-all!  This is my way of saying “you can’t mess with the Jr. Queen of clean.”  The roll is decorated with silver dots in an arrow shape pointing the correct direction for the toilet paper to unroll.  I also added a “Stop” sticker just in case my Dad should forget his own toilet paper rule.

I hope that, this artsy gift, will remind my Dad of just who he’s dealing with here.  I also hope that it will show him, that everything he has ever said to me I have taken seriously and to heart.  After all, I admire and love my Dad and all the experience and wisdom he has shared with me has been neatly filed away in my organized brain.  In the future, as I check my home before guests arrive, I will make sure that Dad’s toilet paper rule is in effect so that the toilet paper unrolls correctly.

Comments (3)


  1. MOM says:


  2. Kookie says:

    KUDOS, this was too funny. Many years ago people used Sears catalogs for TP in their outhouse. In Vietnam I had the pleasure to use banana leaves, ran out of TP.

    Keep up the good work on Snarky Navel

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